Left Hander Paranoia
Ten percent of people are left handed, but experts have
theorized that if parents didn't interfere,
most children could not fend for themselves and would
starve to death.
Everyone is born right-handed, but evil scientists
damage the brains of up to 10 percent to create some
left-handed baseball pitchers.
Everyone is born right-handed, but evil scientists
damage the brains of up to another 10 percent to create
Lefties for everyday prop comedy.
Leftys excel in science and art, but have never
successfully taken over the world. Historians believe
this is due to illegible hand writing, and continually
lobby against left handed computer keyboards.
Coincidence or cause:
Women's clothing is designed to be easily removed by right
handed men. Handedness is genetically determined. Only 10-20
percent of the world's population are lefties.
Coincidence or cause:
Warfare is a human constant. Because of it's location
relative to the dominant hand, a Lefty's heart is less
protected in physical conflicts. Only 10-20 percent of the
world's population are leftys.
Despite extremely violent lobbying efforts, only one day
of the week is named for a lefty (Tuesday - Scandinavian god Tiw).
Men's clothing is designed to be easily removed by left
handed women. Women's clothing is designed such that it
Lefty women can remove their own easier than a Righty women
can. Only a third of lefties are women (3-6 percent of
population). Handedness is genetically determined. Therefore
lefty women aren't slutty.
There is a reason why artists use left handedness to
represent the wicked.
Hand dominance test number one:
In 30 deg below zero weather, which bare hand do you use
for tightening lug nuts when changing a tire?
Hand dominance test number two:
Which ungloved hand do you use to steady a bullhead when
trying to dislodge the fishing hook?
Hand dominance test number three:
Which hand do you use to pick up dog poop with?
Hand dominance test number four:
Do you switch hands before you eat it?
Hand dominance test number five:
Do you feel safer when you sit far right or far left on
Jerry Springer's stage?
Hand dominance test number six:
Do you circulate in a clockwise or counterclockwise
direction at a party?
Hand dominance test number seven:
Grab your ankle. Which hand did you use and which ankle
did you grab?
Hand dominance test number eight:
Which hand do you use to test how cold water is?
Hand dominance test number nine:
Hand dominance test number ten:
Count to ten using your fingers. Which hand do you
start with?
You can't pick your dominant hand, but you can pick your
dominatrix.
Upon detection, lefties have enhanced personal feelings
for fellow lefties. Rightys merely note this as another
reason why you're so strange.
The main difference between lefty and righty handwriting
is that rightys' handwriting is usually legible.
If Lefties aren't dangerous, why do elementary schools
stock only dull rounded tip left handed scissors?
Use care in lifetime goals; if all right handers were
eliminated, men would outnumber women 2 to 1.
To gauge diversity, skin color, and not handedness, is
used. While there is no scientific evidence linking skin
color and different thoughts, there is scientific evidence
concerning differences in righty and lefty thought processes.
Lefty is a word, but righty is not.
If you stacked all the lefties end to end, the stack
would be pretty tall and impressive looking.
The right side of the brain controls the left side of
your body so lefties are in their right minds and righties
are full of crap.
Lefties have like 25 million more nerve connections
between their brain hemispheres than righties. This is
why most lefties can't survive being halved.
The US government has funded no studies to prove lefties
smell better than righties, why not?
Lefties in the US had little power immediately after the
revolutionary war. They were unable to prevent the bill of
rights, which has haunted lefties ever since.
Measuring cup pour spigots are designed for use by
righties, but lefties are still forced to cook!
Measuring cups are considered a problem for lefties.
Right on: correct, included, understood.
Left on: forgotten.
Right here: correct spot, where it is happening.
Left here: forgotten, discarded.