Left Hander Paranoia

Ten percent of people are left handed, but experts have theorized that if parents didn't interfere, most children could not fend for themselves and would starve to death.

Everyone is born right-handed, but evil scientists damage the brains of up to 10 percent to create some left-handed baseball pitchers.

Everyone is born right-handed, but evil scientists damage the brains of up to another 10 percent to create Lefties for everyday prop comedy.

Leftys excel in science and art, but have never successfully taken over the world. Historians believe this is due to illegible hand writing, and continually lobby against left handed computer keyboards.

Coincidence or cause:
  • Women's clothing is designed to be easily removed by right handed men. Handedness is genetically determined. Only 10-20 percent of the world's population are lefties.

    Coincidence or cause:
  • Warfare is a human constant. Because of it's location relative to the dominant hand, a Lefty's heart is less protected in physical conflicts. Only 10-20 percent of the world's population are leftys.

    Despite extremely violent lobbying efforts, only one day of the week is named for a lefty (Tuesday - Scandinavian god Tiw).

    Men's clothing is designed to be easily removed by left handed women. Women's clothing is designed such that it Lefty women can remove their own easier than a Righty women can. Only a third of lefties are women (3-6 percent of population). Handedness is genetically determined. Therefore lefty women aren't slutty.

    There is a reason why artists use left handedness to represent the wicked.


    Hand dominance test number one:
  • In 30 deg below zero weather, which bare hand do you use for tightening lug nuts when changing a tire?

    Hand dominance test number two:
  • Which ungloved hand do you use to steady a bullhead when trying to dislodge the fishing hook?

    Hand dominance test number three:
  • Which hand do you use to pick up dog poop with?

    Hand dominance test number four:
  • Do you switch hands before you eat it?

    Hand dominance test number five:
  • Do you feel safer when you sit far right or far left on Jerry Springer's stage?

    Hand dominance test number six:
  • Do you circulate in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction at a party?

    Hand dominance test number seven:
  • Grab your ankle. Which hand did you use and which ankle did you grab?

    Hand dominance test number eight:
  • Which hand do you use to test how cold water is?

    Hand dominance test number nine:


    Hand dominance test number ten:
  • Count to ten using your fingers. Which hand do you start with?

    You can't pick your dominant hand, but you can pick your dominatrix.

    Upon detection, lefties have enhanced personal feelings for fellow lefties. Rightys merely note this as another reason why you're so strange.

    The main difference between lefty and righty handwriting is that rightys' handwriting is usually legible.

    If Lefties aren't dangerous, why do elementary schools stock only dull rounded tip left handed scissors?

    Use care in lifetime goals; if all right handers were eliminated, men would outnumber women 2 to 1.

    To gauge diversity, skin color, and not handedness, is used. While there is no scientific evidence linking skin color and different thoughts, there is scientific evidence concerning differences in righty and lefty thought processes.

    Lefty is a word, but righty is not.

    If you stacked all the lefties end to end, the stack would be pretty tall and impressive looking.

    The right side of the brain controls the left side of your body so lefties are in their right minds and righties are full of crap.


    Lefties have like 25 million more nerve connections between their brain hemispheres than righties. This is why most lefties can't survive being halved.

    The US government has funded no studies to prove lefties smell better than righties, why not?

    Lefties in the US had little power immediately after the revolutionary war. They were unable to prevent the bill of rights, which has haunted lefties ever since.

    Measuring cup pour spigots are designed for use by righties, but lefties are still forced to cook!

    Measuring cups are considered a problem for lefties.

    Right on: correct, included, understood.
    Left on: forgotten.

    Right here: correct spot, where it is happening.
    Left here: forgotten, discarded.